Friday, October 11, 2013

Blogs Don't Write Themselves

By JccKeith

It's Thursday!!!  Why is that such a big deal?  Well, just so you know, it's a big deal because I thought it was Saturday.  It has felt like Saturday for the last four days because the local school system is on fall break which means if you have kids, they are home all day every day for the next two weeks which in turn makes it feel like Saturday.  Not Sunday because on Sundays there is that vague feeling - vague reality - hope really - that school will start again tomorrow.  So it is not in fact Saturday.  It is Thursday, so it is my blog of the week!

What could I possibly want to talk about - what urgent issue is on the top of my priority list?  Turkey.  Yes, that good old reliable turkey.  I woke up today and being the lunatic that I am, I thought, you know what would be a great idea?  How about I invite a bunch of people over to my house tomorrow?  How about I promise them a great meal, a great old fashioned, southern really, meal.  Turkey.  Turkey is great.  It's big, it feeds a lot of people and it is relatively easy to cook.  So clearly, I am insane.  I either need to   a. stop waking up in the morning or  b.  not make promises I can't keep.

For those who don't know, turkeys, this time of year anyway, are frozen.  They are also some big birds.  They take time to thaw out.  Like 3 or 4 days.  Crazy I know.  And guess what?  You can't just pop that big ol' bird in the microwave and defrost that sucker.  It has to actually thaw out.  So briefly I considered pulling out my rifle and venturing down the road - I live in a fairly country area - and just shooting one of those turkeys I see all the time hanging out in the fields near my house.  Then I remembered - oh yeah - I'm much more likely to hit one with my car than with a rifle.  And in all honesty, my back hurts and I was busy cleaning all day - did I mention I invited (non-drunk) people over to my house?  I was much too busy cleaning to 'hunt' unless 'hunting' includes driving two minutes down a different road to the local grocery store to the frozen section and selecting an appropriate sized bird.

I have come to the realization today that inviting people over for a party to my house is much easier than inviting them over for a meal.  Inviting people over to a party means they will be drunk within a few minutes to an hour of entering my abode.  They will not care whether there is dust or clutter anywhere in my house.  They will not care, not really, whether the bathrooms are super clean as long as there is a clear path to the toilet/porcelain god.    Parties are fun and care free and involve beer pong.  Meals usually end in desserts and wine not beer pong and a game or two of drunken twister in the living room.

So let's recap.  I, by profession, am a scientist.  I have a biochemistry degree.  So the ten year old dust on my window seals and under/on my impressive  bookshelves are science experiments.  The various stacks of clutter in corners or alcoves are carefully controlled exercises in physics.  I did concoct some extremely useful and highly toxic chemistry potions today to clean some questionable stains on my living room carpet that would have made MacGyver proud.  I am totally using that expensive college knowledge I obtained over the course of a few years.  Even then, I still had no solution to my turkey dilemma.  I recall no class on how to defrost and cook a turkey in a single day to impress guests.

So it would seem that I will have to rely on my stunning wit and charm to sway my guests that mine is the best dinner party ever because my cooking will most certainly - without perhaps some serious chemical intervention - do the trick.  What does this have to do with writing this blog?  Well, blogs don't write themselves.  Honestly, my questionable ability to plan events has absolutely no relevance to this blog other than to perhaps offer some excuse as to why I have no real topic to discuss.  Actually if I have to use an excuse, I'm going to pull a Michael Jackson and blame it on the boogie:


  1. Think of it as a fun challenge of pulling magic from nothing. One day this could make a super cool story. Let me know how the turkey worked out.

    1. It was a fun challenge which all in all worked out great. The turkey was perfect.

  2. A good story is a good story. The source of the inspiration is irrelevant. This was an entertaining story. I hope you had a GREAT weekend!

    1. I am glad to hear others find it entertaining. That was my goal in sharing this dilemma with you