Thursday, April 25, 2013

Never Trust and Angel

An Excerpt from Never Trust an Angel

by: Crystal Smith-Connelly


About the Author

Crystal Smith-Connelly has written more than fifty plays, some of which have been
performed in New York, Los Angeles, Maryland, and France. Known for her twisted
sense of humor, she counts Trey Parker and Matt Stone, Conan O'Brien, Sarah
Silverman, and Tina Fey among her influences and hopes that someday Will Ferrell
will star as Zeus in one of her plays. Crystal lives with her husband in
Charleston, SC and would be delighted to hear from you at
www.facebook.com/crystalsmithconnelly or crystalsmithconnelly@yahoo.com.
For I Am Zeus: A Collection of Plays About Greek Mythology is Crystal's first
book, and she looks forward to publishing many more!

 

EXCERPT:

Setting: Hell, Satan and Angel’s kitchen, morning.

At rise: ANGEL, a blonde woman dressed all in white, places a basket of muffins on a table set for three. SATAN enters, wearing a black suit with a red shirt and carrying a briefcase. Satan sets the briefcase down and kisses Angel on the cheek.

SATAN
Good morning, Angel!

ANGEL
Good morning! Have some breakfast…I made your favorite!

SATAN
Blueberry muffins?

ANGEL
Yep-and this time I used an extra-special ingredient…

SATAN
Love?

(Satan grabs a muffin and takes a big bite of it.)

ANGEL
You can’t put love in muffins, silly!

SATAN
It’s not worms again, is it?

ANGEL
No, I used cinnamon! Can you believe Hitler finally gave me his secret recipe?

SATAN
Do you really think you should be taking suggestions from Hitler? He’s the worst person here!

ANGEL
Oh, lighten up! He really mellowed out after he killed himself. Besides, it’s not like I got the recipe from Jeffrey Dahmer.

SATAN
I guess I should be thankful for that.

ANGEL
Although those chicken fingers he made were pretty good…

SATAN
That wasn’t chicken…didn’t you see the fingernails?

ANGEL
That’s funny, it tasted like chicken.
(looking at the remaining muffin half on Satan’s plate)
Aren’t you going to finish your muffin?

SATAN
I’m not really hungry.

(Satan pushes his plate away.)

SATAN (cont’d)
Shouldn’t Johnny be up by now?

ANGEL
He’s just working on his homework. He’ll be down soon.

SATAN
Johnny never waits until the last minute to finish his homework. Is he okay?

ANGEL
It’s next week’s homework.

SATAN
I should’ve known.

ANGEL
Oh, before I forget, would you mind giving Johnny a ride to the high school Saturday morning? He’s retaking the SATs.

SATAN
Didn’t he get 2390 the first time?

ANGEL
You know our Johnny won’t be happy with anything less than a perfect score. He really wants to get into a good college.

SATAN
But he’s going to Hell University…I built that school just so he would be able to continue his education close to home.


ANGEL
(hesitantly)
Actually, I get the feeling that he wants to go to H.I.T.

SATAN
The Heavenly Institute of Technology? Where did you get that idea?

ANGEL
He told me.

SATAN
Well, it’s a good thing he’ll never get accepted because I do not want my son going to that college!

ANGEL
Look, I know you have your issues with God, but your son’s future is more important than some silly fight!

SATAN
Silly? He kicked me out of Heaven!

ANGEL
Well, you did lead a revolt against him…

SATAN
It was justified! That guy is a jerk!

ANGEL
You’re overreacting. If he were really that bad, would millions of people worship him?

SATAN
Hitler was pure evil and look how many idiots worshipped him!

ANGEL
You’re not comparing God to Hitler again, are you?

SATAN
Have you ever seen the two of them in the same place?

ANGEL
No.

SATAN
I’m just saying, for all we know, they could be the same person.

ANGEL
That’s ridiculous!

SATAN
Is it? God can take any form he wants…why not Hitler?

ANGEL
There’s no way Hitler is actually God…although his blueberry muffin recipe is quite heavenly.

SATAN
(laughing sarcastically)
Can we please focus?

ANGEL
(sighing)
I’m focusing.

SATAN
After what God did to me, do you really think I would let Johnny go to college in Heaven…and that God would let my son in that school in the first place?

ANGEL
It’s possible.

SATAN
I don’t want Johnny learning from my mortal enemy!

ANGEL
There are worse people he could be learning from.

SATAN
I don’t want to hear it!

ANGEL
Wouldn’t you rather have him learn from someone like God instead of the murderers and pedophiles that teach at Hell University?

SATAN
How dare you! Ted Bundy is a damn fine professor!

ANGEL
Of course he is-he teaches Murder 101!

SATAN
Hey, that’s not fair! He also teaches history!

ANGEL
The history of serial killers!

SATAN
So? You teach what you know!

ANGEL
I don’t want our son learning how to properly disembowel a body or take advantage of innocent children.

SATAN
I would never let him take advantage of children…who wants a bunch of kids hanging around all the time?

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