Friday, February 8, 2013

There You Have It

By JccKeith

You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and there you have the facts of life.  And for all of you who read that sentence and felt the need to repeat the last little bit “the facts of life,” you are familiar with the song to which it belongs.  Yes that’s right, that classic 80’s television show, The Facts of Life theme song.

Oh we’ve come a long way in television since the days of late 70’s and 80’s television.  Now it’s all sex and showing as much bare flesh as the network will let you get away with.  It’s all about special effects and blood and gore. 

Maynard G. Krebs and Dobie Gillis
I remember as a kid watching all of my favorite shows, Family Ties, Growing Pains, The Cosby Show, Facts of Life, Who’s the Boss, One Day at a Time and of course MacGyver and oh yeah the Dobie Gillis Show (thanks Nick at Nite).  Back then it was all about teaching kids morals.  Every show had the same plots. 

There was the one where the daughter considers having sex in high school.  There’s the one where the teenage girl at school gets pregnant.  There’s the one where the troubled teenager at school has an alcohol or drug problem.  There’s the one where the son or daughter sneaks out to go to a concert or party and gets in trouble and the parents have to come get them.  There’s the one where the son or daughter lies to the parents and feels guilty the entire episode.  And of course there is the one where the parents go out of town and the kids throw a big shin dig and trash the place and try frantically to clean it up before the parents get home.

I miss 80’s television.  Every problem could be solved in half an hour.  Why can’t we go back to those times?  For that matter, why didn’t anybody tell me when I was a kid watching these shows that life was not so simple?  Why can’t all of life’s problems be solved in half an hour?  Also, why can’t I think on my feet as quickly and as effectively as MacGyver and again, solve every problem in half an hour with whatever happens to be lying around?

Rockin the Mullet:
Business up front
Party in the back
I have decided to simply my life based on my old favorites.  From now on, if it can’t be fixed with duct tape and a paperclip then it simply can’t be fixed.  Car problems?  Duct tape.  Need a new roof?  Duct tape.  Cracks in the driveway?  Duct tape.  Massive cut that won’t stop bleeding?  Duct tape.  Need new clothes?  Duct tape.  Loose papers?  Paperclip.

I have also decided that if a problem can’t be solved in half an hour then it doesn’t exist and I will hand it over to someone with more time on their hands.  

In the rare instance that the solution involves more time I have a way to deal with it too.  For example, I’d like to be in better shape which obviously requires exercise over the course of weeks and months.  So how do I deal with this?  Easy – montage. 

And for everything else there’s Mastercard.  Not really but I like that little jingle at the end of Mastercard commercials.  You know the ones, such and such is so many $ and something else is so many $ but for this other thing: priceless.  At least I think that’s Mastercard.  I could be wrong.

Back to my new life plan.  I do have to say that I have a few current favorite television programs which are teaching me some new coping skills.  For instance, zombies are not a problem that can be solved in half an hour.  They are an ongoing problem and you’d best set in for the long haul if you survived the zombie apocalypse that is.

So there you have it, my simple solution to life’s complexities.  I did forget to mention some other lessons I learned as a kid from television.  First off, never take a three hour cruise.  Second, the guy wearing the tight jeans and dark sunglasses is always the bad guy.  Third, if there is a ghost, witch, demon, unknown creature or otherwise scary figure causing problems in your town, it’s just a guy in a mask.

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