Saturday, December 1, 2012

I'm Not Buyin It

By JccKeith

Be forewarned, this post is not the stuff of literary genius and will most likely not offer any helpful insights into understanding life and the universe.  On the cusp of finishing NaNoWriMo a day early, I am giddy with excitement.  I am seriously going to have my winner’s certificate framed and hang it right next to my Bachelor of Science degree from the University of Louisville.  It didn’t cost as much as my degree from UofL but it was maybe more difficult. 

You see, in pursuing your college degree, you have the option of planning your courses and making things fit to your schedule, for the most part. The classes, especially the 201 courses and general education requirements are a total breeze.  Even the tough classes, you still have the option of studying when you want to or when it’s convenient.  NaNoWriMo is not so obligatory.  You either write the 50,000 words or you don’t.  There aren’t any extensions, no excuses, just the goal and it is immovable.  It requires a daily effort to reach a daily goal.  Maybe it’s just me, but it was quite the challenge.  And I completed it.  Yay for me! 

Anyway, I am quite certain you are not as thrilled as I am about my accomplishment.  Why would you be?  You have no stake in the matter, you weren’t betting on my winning or losing.  Whether I finished the challenge or not, the sun was still going to rise in the east and set in the west just like nothing happened.  Your life was going to go on as it usually does. 

So let’s talk about something that matters to you.  Let’s talk about something that matters to everyone.  Snickers.

That’s right, Snickers.  Come on, you know you like ‘em.  They’re just so good.  I don’t even care for chocolate really but I do like Snickers.  The ones I like best are the little bitty square snickers they have around at holidays.  I’m also partial to the snack size snickers they have at Halloween. 
This brings me to my dilemma.  I was getting ready to check out and there directly behind the line to get to the cash register was the bin of Christmas candy. They had the peppermint candy canes and the cookies to which I easily passed.  But then I saw the bright shiny red and silver wrappers of the bite size snickers. 

They were only $2.99 for the bag of let’s say fifteen or so little square snickers.  I thought to myself, hmm…  $3 isn’t so much.  I could do $3 and I could definitely use the sugar high eating those snickers would give me.  At that point, I hadn’t finished my novel for NaNoWriMo yet and was in front of what could possibly turn out to be a late night. 

Then I had the time to contemplate the wide scope of the situation.  I thought, you know if I buy that bag of snickers, I’d probably eat the entire bag tonight.  Then I’d want another bag or at the very least more sugary sweetness of whatever candy hadn’t been eaten from Halloween.  There are plenty of Twix and Tootsie Rolls around the house. 

The problem is, all that sugary bliss would result in an expanded waistline.  I’d then have to venture on up to the mall and buy new shirts to cover up my increasing belly.  Even if I bought only one shirt or sweat shirt, I’m looking at around $20 to $30 and that is at the cheaper department stores.  But then I’d have to make my way over to The Buckle and buy a new pair of jeans to accommodate my widening hips.  For the jeans that I like, the ones that fit perfectly, I’d be spending $129 to $169.  Even if I compromised my taste for the jeans from the Buckle and went with a pair from Old Navy, I’d still be spending $30 to $40. 

Once I was comfortably clothed, I would continue to feed my newly acquired sweet tooth.  This would undoubtedly lead to a rotten tooth at some point.  Given my usual avoidance of addressing such concerns until they become excruciatingly painful, I would ignore this tooth for as long as possible.  Ignoring my aching tooth would eventually lead to my needing a root canal to save my now rotten tooth.  This would, after my dental insurance pitched in their part, cost me around $1500. 

The pain killers the dentist office would give me to deal with the pain from the root canal would probably lead to an addiction.  I would then be spending $2 per pill to obtain my prescription drug of choice.  This would probably amount to a $100 or more per month.

Then of course would come the inevitable downward spiral from pain killers to harder drugs.  I’d be spending $1000’s per week to fulfill my needs.  I would lose my house, probably my marriage, my kids, my pets and most likely end up homeless on the streets. 

What a wasted life that would be.  I’d have no computer or internet access to share my thoughts with all of you readers.  And you see, that’s who I was thinking about this afternoon when I considered buying those snickers.  I was putting the needs of you readers first.  I just couldn’t risk it. 

Snickers are a gateway candy.  Don’t fall into their trap.  Don’t buy in to the madness.

1 comment:

  1. I had to comment just to tell you I freaking love this post.

    And Snickers. :D