Monday, October 29, 2012
Opinions\Rants\Raves: Your Dreams Edition
I was wondering what I should do a post about today. For a good portion of the day nothing really appealed to me. I don't know if I have mentioned it before, but whenever I am trying to think of something that is when brain decides to dry up. But the more I did think of it, two things crossed my mind. One of them was from a conversation I had earlier today; the other came from a tweet I read. Those two things inspired me to write this post.
Let us start with the conversation. I was talking with a friend that was feeling rather down earlier. The two of us are working on the project and she found herself in a bit of a funky mood. My friend was questioning whether or not the project we are working is an good. I told her that what we are doing has every chance of being excellent. That she has created a story that is both unique and full of strong female characters. And compared to other works out there our story is much stronger.
I know her frustration, I feel it myself. Every time I try to plan out my bullet points for a new chapter I can't help but think I don't have it in me to possibly create something new. I worry that I have exhausted whatever it is in me that is creative. Sometimes it take me several hours to even a day or two to put those fears aside and start to write. Even when I am revising a chapter fear takes hold of me. I am afraid that I will take what has been given to me and mess it up.
So that is the conversation taken care of me, what about that tweet? Comedian Greg Behrendt (I hope I spelled it right, I am sitting here looking at it, but that don't mean I will not screw it up) earlier tweeted "Is there an expiration date on your dreams?..." Upon first reading that, my inclination to be a smartass kicked in and I was like if you are 40 and your dream was to be the king of England by 35 I would say yes there is an expiration date on your dreams.
The more I got to thinking about it, the more I thought about my own dreams. Any one that knows me, the inner private me that I reveal to only those special people, will know that I have always wanted to be a writer. As far back as I can remember I wanted to make a living just by writing down what is in my head. But with that dream came a nightmare, my own self-doubt. Many may call it "being my own worse critic." I prefer to think of it as a "demon that is ready to devour me whole."
No matter how many people have encouraged me, told me that I had the talent to do this thing, the Demon has always been there to eat away at my soul. It is not that I don't believe my supporters, I do, to an extent. It just that the Demon is always there to poison my mind. He takes every bit of encouragement that comes my way and twist them until he has rung out every bit of hope from them. Leaving only an empty husk of what could have been a promising dream. But he is not only there to ruin any good thoughts. No! His real pleasure come from taking negative thoughts and amplifying them beyond a critical mass.
Spinal Tap had amps that went up to eleven; The Demon's amps go up to eleven-million.
But this post is much more than just the Demon trying to stealing my dream. Greg Behrendt tweet was actually a link to blog post on his band's, The Reigning Monarchs, website. The blog post, which is not the focus of this post, was about securing funds to do an album. Which in itself is about a dream. But what I really am concerned about is something Greg has mentioned on his podcast Walking the Room. On the podcast Greg has asked if it is ever to late to go after your dream.
I have an answer for you Greg. No! No it never to late to go after your dream. I am just a few years shy of turning 40 and here I am going after my dream. It took me all these years to finally to get to this place. During my teenage years I had become to scared to pursue this dream. I was never that strong a student when it came to English class, which is my own fault. I never really studied hard enough to properly learn the grammar rules. Which all lead to my biggest fear for many years, and ultimately delayed me in following my dreams.
That was probably when the Demon, or this Demon was born.
Eventually I overpowered the Demon. I have not defeated him though, once you spawn a demon you can never destroy him. But I think it is good thing that he hasn't been vanquished. Cause in his weakened state he still serves a purpose. Instead of standing in the way of the path I wish to travel down, he has now become a means for me to travel down that path. His very presence drives me ever closer to my dream. Because he is there I know that I can never stop. For if I did the Demon will get me.
Because of the Demon I realized what my dream had always been. it was not to be some bastion of the rules of grammar. My dream has always been to be a story teller. If only I liven five-six hundred years ago, I would have been a traveling bard. Roaming from town to town selling my story to those eager to hear it. Or even earlier than that, I would have been a trader who not only brought goods form far away lands, but exotic tales as well. Or I would have been sitting around a fire in a cave telling stories of the big hunt to help pass those long brutal Ice Age nights.
I am going for my dream. Not only am I working on a project with a person I have come to respect immensely. I have this blog where I can express myself through my own words. Something that I would never though possible just a year ago. And I shouldn't forget about twitter, where I share some of my more goofy thoughts. So Greg do not give up on your dream. You go out there and rock as hard as you can. Even if there are only ten people in the crowd, that is ten more than would have been there if you hadn't followed your dream.